Top Ten Cloves ... Charlie Sheen is so winning that...

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Charlie Sheen: As American as Apple Pie

10. The tsunami that hit Japan asked his permission first

9. He gave LeGone James the talents to take to South Beach

8. When he goes on Twitter, system gives him as many characters as he wants

7. The protesters didn't push Hosni Mubarak out of office, a simple, short-and-sweet phone call from Charlie did it

6. He gets full-functionality, 4G iPhone service with just two Dixie cups and a string

5. He's the only person Keyser Söze fears

4. When he goes swimming in the ocean, sharks can only smell winning in the water and leave Charlie alone

3. Spilled milk cries, but only if it's Charlie who spilled it

2. He gives ice cream  brain-freeze headaches

1. He can get Superman to deliver Kryptonite

Nathan Heller: He may be winning, but we're losing.

Ken Baker and Brandi Fowler: Charlie Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth" Targets America and Beyond

Steve Greenlee: Charlie Sheen: Live in Boston

Charlie Sheen’s ‘Winning’ T-Shirts

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Things Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak might do when he steps down

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Egypt's Mubarak to step down, sources say

10. Nothing, until he sees the new X-Men: First Class movie

9. Maybe a trip to Los Angeles, as he sheepishly admits to having a crush on Lindsey Lohan

8. Has a hankering to do one of those reality shows, like Sarah Palin's Alaska show

7. See if there's another opening at Current TV

6. Would like to lose a little weight -- plans on connecting with Kevin Smith to see how he did it

5. If they can work out the kinks, might like to try having camera implanted in his head

4. Already talking with Arianna Huffington about being the CairoPatch correspondent

3. Look into one of those $1,000 houses Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is offering

2. Join Faux News -- thinks he can make up stuff just as good as anyone else

1. Might give that posing shirtless on Craigslist, to pick up women, a try

Bonus Riffs

NYT: Egypt’s Army Signals Transfer of Power

Steve Benen: THE DAY EVERYTHING CHANGES IN EGYPT?

Steve M: MUBARAK TO STEP DOWN? ENTIRE FOX AUDIENCE TO SEEK FORTIFIED BUNKERS?

Updated Riffs

BBC: Egypt's Mubarak refuses to quit ...Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak has said he will stay in office and transfer all power only after September's presidential election

ABC News: Hosni Mubarak Doesn't Resign, Cairo's Tahrir Square Erupts with Anger Egypt's Embattled President Announces Reforms but Won't Step Down Despite Protesters' Demands

David Kurtz: Mubarak Staying?

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Ideas for Mayor Dave Bing to save Detroit

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Mayor of Detroit welcomes any ideas to save troubled city

10. Tell those 400 Super Bowl Fans who got mushed that you won't let them down, that you have 400 seats for them in Detroit

9. Get on the phone with Dolly Parton and see if the two of you can brainstorm "Detroitwood"

8. Help out the Egyptian protesters and see if President Hosni Mubarak would be interested in one of those $1,000 houses

7. Recruit LeBron James so we can hear, "I'm bringing my talents to the Motor City"

6. Beat her to the punch and trademark the name "Sarah Palin" -- you'll make millions

5. Hire Keith Olbermann!

4. Announce that you're bringing in Christina Aguilera to sing "The Star-Spangled Banner at all sporting events in Detroit -- people will flock to the city to see if she flubs the lyrics again.

3. Work out a deal with Faux News and Glenn Beck, and offer Detroit as the first line of defense against the coming Caliphate

2. Call Tim Armstrong and see if AOL is still in the buying mood

1. Run a commercial: "Detroit ... Apply directly to your forehead ... Detroit ... Apply directly to your forehead"

Bonus Riffs

Noonan Gives Palin, McCain A "Full Detroit"

In The "Holy Cow" Dept; Denver Homeless Getting The Noonan "Full Detroit"

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Things overheard during last night's SOTU

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Obama's Second State of the Union (Text)

10. "We should pass a bill that mandates the SOTU be like Twitter -- 140 characters or less."

9. "I see that Kucinich brought his own sandwich tonight."

8. "Being the Bears fan that he is, I heard he might give Jay Cutler a medal or something."

7. "What's going to happen first, Joe Biden falling asleep or John Boehner crying?"

6. Someone claims Joe Wilson shouted out "Only thing missing is the Mighty Mouse theme music."

5. "Hey, get this, John Thune is going around telling people no way is he going to invest in Sputni."

4. "Well, at least Paul Ryan doesn't look like that 30 Rock page guy.)

3. "Did you see Palin called Reagan "America's Lifeguard" the other day? Is she trying to say Obama belongs at that Pennsylvania swimming club?"

2. "What's the difference between Obama and Taco Bell's meat? Nothing -- neither Taco Bell nor his speech has much beef."

1. "Instead of letting the Tea Party have her, maybe we should have Bachmann give our official response. What's the worst that could happen?"

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Possible reasons Baby Doc returned to Haiti

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Baby Doc's return to Haiti prompts fury, cheers

10. Just wanted to get some new pics for his Facebook Page

9. Just testing the reception and range of his new, 4G Cell Phone

8. Taking the Rex Ryan approach, and that all he needs to be is be better for one day

7. Inspired by Joe Lieberman to be an upstanding, and courageous politician

6. Making personal appeal to diplomats, to diss him, so he'd have a WikiLeaks file of his own

5. When leaving 25-years ago, forgot his American Express card

4. Part of a pitch, to the Kardashians, to get on their show, saying they need a "President-for-Life

3. Said it was the closest place the plane could land that didn't have any snow

2. Decided it was time to bring his talents to Port-au-Prince

1. Oh Shit! ... Screwed up at airport, was supposed to fly to Tunisia

Bonus Riffs

Tim Padgett: Who Let 'Baby Doc' Duvalier Back into Haiti?

Jonathan M. Katz (CP): With Baby Doc back in Haiti Aristide calls next; says he is ready now

CSM: 5 reasons why Haiti's Jean-Claude Duvalier is infamous

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Surprises On first day of GOP majority In Congress

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: In House, new Republican majority plans to act fast to undo Obama's agenda

10. Representative Steve King (R-IA) insists on having title of House Majority Idiot

9. Republicans hire Rulon Gardner to taunt outgoing Democrats as "The Biggest Losers"

8. To save time, GOP majority insists all floor speeches need to be a Twitter-like 140-characters or less

7. First bill: all members need to be as tanned as new Speaker of the House, John Boehner

6. New Majority Whip Eric Cantor challenges King for House Majority Idiot

5. Swearing in new members is delayed, as newly-elected Tea Party Congressmen show up with misspelled signs and shout down the Speaker

4. New Speaker of House Ceremony delayed -- gavel keeps slipping out of Nancy Pelosi's hand due to it being soaking wet from John Boehner's crying

3. Michele Bachmann gets so excited with having the majority, she gets confused and starts investigating herself for anti-American activities

2. Big confusion -- Tea Party Members thought they were reading the Constitution, but, due to error, actually are reading leaked cables by WikiLeaks

1. LeBron James shows up, announces he's "taking his talents to Congress."

Bonus Links

Igor Volsky: Will Republicans Be Able To Defund Health Reform?

Jack Stuef: Michele Bachmann To Defeat Obama, Be First Female, Banshee President

Kathleen Hennessey and Tom Hamburger: Tea party freshmen embrace status quo - After campaigning against D.C.'s ways, new Republican lawmakers quickly turn to lobbyists and fundraisers

Pat Garofalo: House GOP Repeatedly Promised $100 Billion In Spending Cuts That It Now Calls "Hypothetical"

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)